For the past several years, I have tried not to get too sucked into holiday "busy-ness." I keep my shopping to a minimum, say no to about half the party invitations I receive, don't pressure myself to cook elaborate meals...
This year, I have felt an extra strong need to simplify and just enjoy quiet moments in life. Those quiet moments are especially important with C. It is our first Christmas together as a married couple and that is incredibly important to me.
Everyone says that Christmas is for the children. Honestly, I disagree.
Sure, children get excited for Christmas lights, Santa and presents. It is sweet and nice to watch, but this time of year can also be nice for the grown-ups among us. Who says we can't enjoy this time of year after we have passed a certain young age?
As an adult, this season is about moving out of darkness and into light. (The Winter Solstice is today and the days will begin to get longer again - I love that.)
It is about celebrating the beauty and blessings in our lives. This year, I am celebrating my new marriage, my love for C. and the opportunities for growth this past year has brought me -- in addition to the constant blessings of my wonderful family and dear friends.
After Christmas is done, the year winds down and it is a time to welcome new beginnings. This past year has brought so much love into my life and so much change - some challenging and some exciting - and I can't wait for what the next year will bring.
I have been racking my brain trying to come up with new traditions that C. and I can share as a couple, but haven't come up with much.
However, we have shared a few very sweet moments that will help make this first holiday season together a wonderful memory. We decorated our self-cut Christmas tree alone together after Jonah* was asleep one night. It was almost meditative - the two of us quietly selecting and placing ornaments together during a quiet evening.
This past Saturday, we attended a Winter Solstice celebration downtown. It was a nice change of pace from the typical holiday events - eclectic world music and a relatively small group of people sharing the joy of the season. C. and I settled into a back corner of the room, which was illuminated by red and white Christmas lights. We drank dark beer and mead (honey wine, yum), held hands, snuggled, enjoyed the excellent people-watching and listened to the music. It was a quiet moment for us to connect and just BE as individuals and as a couple.
So, I wish everyone a God Jul (good yule in Swedish), a Merry Christmas and a new year full of light, peace and new beginnings.
* name changed
I have been doing a lot of reading on blended families, how to be a good stepmom, how to have a successful marriage in a blended family, etc. As with anything new in my life, I always turn to books and research for comfort and hope, as well as direction and tips.
I have been reading a few online message boards and blogs on the topic, as well. Something I read on a stepmom blog yesterday has really stuck in my craw...
(The blogger is also a nationally recognized author on the topic.)
She wrote something like, paraphrasing here, "the two women in a child's life (mom and stepmom) often become the two most nurturing forces." Adding, again paraphrasing, "women have a natural ability to nurture and often end up competing for top spot in a child's life."
Deep breath.
I have a few major problems with that assertion:
First, I am not competing for the mom-spot in my stepkids' lives. They have a mom whom they love and see on a regular basis. She is far from perfect, but she is -- and always will be -- mom. I really resent the idea that I would presume to fill her role, or that I would be "naturally" drawn to do so because I am the more nurturing sex.
Second, who says dads can't be nurturers? I think it is so insulting to dads to assume that they are the hands-off parents and leave the nurturing to the women in their lives. It shortchanges their ability (and desire) to be emotional and have deeply connected relationships in their lives.
(I have heard that PromiseKeepers actually tells men to be hands-off during children's younger years and that their job "kicks in" when the kids turn 13 and need help growing into adults. That idea is insulting both ways -- it implies that dads can't possibly nurture young children and moms can't possibly help teens become healthy adults. Grr.)
Back to dads as nurturers. C. is amazing with his kids. He handles bedtime and bath time. He does their laundry. He kisses their booboos and offers bear hugs during the scary parts in movies. He snuggles with them on the couch to watch TV. He colors with his daughter and plays cars with his son. He lets them wear their Halloween costumes when they want and encourages their healthy imaginations. He is constantly on the lookout for new books on parenting and taking care of a special needs child. This list could go on and on and on. He is an amazing dad. I would even argue that he is the most nurturing parent in their lives (but I am not a fly on the wall in mom's house - so don't know that for sure).
He didn't need me to swoop in and take care of the kids' emotional or physical needs. He knows how to do it and does it well.
(I would argue that he needs my emotional support and care as a wife much more than he needs my skills with children.)
As stepmom, and as the second adult in the house, I do support him and back him up. I do offer emotional support and physical care to the kids, but my role as a "parent-figure" comes after C. and the kids' mom. (Their stepdad is also a supporter and cheerleader in their lives.)
My role as stepmom is something unique. I don't see myself as a parent, but I do see myself as a responsible adult in their lives. I can offer extra support and care -- but that will never be a true substitute for what mom and dad can provide.
More on this later. Ruminating for now...
C. and I took a weekend trip to Grand Lake, Colo. for his birthday -- just the two of us. It was so relaxing and wonderful. We had a view of the mountains from our room, which was complete with a cozy fireplace and log furniture. Saturday was a very lazy day of napping, lounging and just walking around the little town.
I surprised C. with a massage appointment at the lodge, which he loved. He needed the relaxation time for sure, and it feels so good to give just the right present. :)
After the sun went down, we went outside for a dip in the hot tub. There is nothing like looking at the stars from a mountain lodge while soaking in a hot tub. The trip back inside in the 5-degree temps wasn't as fun, but it was such a Colorado moment.
That night, we went to the Community House in town and enjoyed a concert by a men's a cappella group. They were adorable -- senior men in their Christmas sweaters. They were pretty good, as well. It was such a small town Christmas experience.
After the show, we enjoyed an amazing dinner across the street at the local tavern. C. had duck stroganoff and I had lingonberry-sauced salmon (my Swedish side loves anything lingonberry) with a side of honey-roasted sweet potatoes. Yummy.
Most of the men's choir made its way to the same tavern and graced us with another impromptu concert there (ahh, memories of my high-school choir singing anywhere, any time).
Sunday, we had a leisurely breakfast at one of the local cafes and then went hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park. There's a pretty trail just outside town that winds its way past several waterfalls and lakes. We hiked about three or four miles along the river, but didn't quite make it to the first lake before it started to snow. It was only about 10 degrees, so we decided to head back before we got trapped in the storm.
I was really hoping to see a moose on our hike, but no dice. Still, hiking in the cold with nobody else around was invigorating. Colorado is a stunningly beautiful place and I am so thankful for the opportunity to enjoy the natural assets of my home state whenever I can.
Back to reality today, but I am so glad for the weekend diversion that refreshed both of our spirits so much.
I am just plain having a hard day. We received some more bad news yesterday in relation to the kids and their mom. (I worked very hard right then to restrain myself from adding a colorful adjective before the word "mom.")
I cried several times yesterday and this morning, and I do have to say that I am so thankful for the restorative power of tears. My sister always says she suspects that women's tears must be an outlet for some of our pent-up hormones. :) I think she might be right, because a good cry always makes me feel better.
This weekend of tears started when we watched "Marley & Me" Saturday night. (I had never seen it.) Being a dog lover, I always cry when the dog dies -- so, of course, I cried. Sure, the tears were about the movie dog, the four dogs I had growing up, the dog I have now (and the thought of someday saying goodbye to her)... but they were about more than that. They were about childhood memories and family dreams. I can't even begin to list the number of personal images brought to the surface by that movie.
Right now, I am in the process of creating a new family with C. and his kids, while trying to maintain the close connection I have with my parents, sisters, brothers-in-law, nephews and other extended family. I am also holding fiercely to the dreams I have for what out future family will be.
As with everything in life, reality rarely matches the expectation or the preconceived image. Tears are nature's gift for grieving lost expectations. Tears allow you to release and hopefully let go, which is necessary for embracing life as it is rather than life as you dreamed it would be.
C. and I had the most refreshing, relaxing weekend. We helped his mom move on Saturday, which wasn't the most fun -- but I am happy to see her getting settled into her new townhome after more than a year of house-selling/house-hunting stress. I think it will be a great community for her, and it will be so nice that she has her own space now.
After the move, we relaxed a bit at home and then went out to dinner at a pretty little cafe called Bliss. The food wasn't great, to be honest (their chocolate mousse was just barely beige -- not sure how they could even call it chocolate) -- but that didn't matter. We split a bottle of wine. We talked. We laughed at the cheesy band -- a "classic rock duo." We flirted. It was just so nice to get out of the house and enjoy a different venue (sans kids).
Sunday morning, we drove up to Evergreen and had a late breakfast at the One World Cafe. Spinach florentine crepes for me and a pork breakfast burrito for C. Delicious french press coffee. Yum. Again, the change of venue was just so nice.
We spent yesterday afternoon lazing around on the couch watching football and the "Next Iron Chef" finale (Chef Garces won - boo!).
I am at work today, and it is my only day in the office. Tomorrow, I will take Jonah* to the museum (he is off school all week) and we will be getting ready for the Thanksgiving celebration at C.'s sister's house on Thursday.
I am looking forward to celebrating with my new family, and I am looking forward to creating new holiday traditions with C., and with C. and the kids, this holiday season.
Love grows in moments like these.
* Name changed.
C. and I enjoyed our first kid-free weekend in more than month this past weekend, and it was wonderful. There's nothing like spending some quality one-on-one time together to remind you why you love your spouse.
We went out on a real dinner DATE Saturday night and then saw friends at the roller derby bout.
I even cooked a real meal last night, and we ate dinner in the dining room on our wedding china.
For those of you who have kids -- go on a date! I'm telling you, it works wonders. I know I am new to having kids around, but I already am a big believer that couples need time alone together, without the kids and without talk of the kids. The kids will be better for it, as well, because they get parents who feel refreshed and energetic and who are strong in their love for each other. I think that's the best gift you can give a child -- a warm, loving home environment and a good example of what healthy love looks like between adults.
So, some of the many little reasons for my big love for C.:
- He's funny. He keeps me laughing all the time.
- He can be really serious, as well - it's a good balance.
- He's a good friend. He makes time for his friends and truly cares about them.
- He has great taste -- in food, music, clothes, books...
- He believes in constant growth and learning in life.
- He's hot. ;)
- He is just a good, good man - and I am lucky to be his wife.
I am glowing today, and I am so thankful to have had such a great couple of days with my husband.
As I was getting ready this morning, my 8-year-old stepson was blasting classical music from the CD player in his room. It reminded me of sleeping in too late as a teenager -- my dad would blast classical or opera to wake me up, and my mom would fling open my bedroom door and vacuum. :)
I'll take the classical from Jonah*. In a few years, I'm sure he'll be blasting hip hop or death metal.
*Names changed
