Six months

Today is the two-year anniversary of my first date with C. I remember how I felt when he laughed at a joke I made -- I will always remember the way he smiled and his eyes lit up.

Last week was the six-month anniversary of our marriage. I remember telling my dad before we went down the aisle, "This is my wedding." I beamed as C. shared his beautiful self-written vows with me.
I am so lucky.

I have learned so much more from C. than any other romantic partner I have had. He has shown me that:

- love is not reserved for the very young; people with a little more wear on the tread and a little history can find true love together (and I think in a lot of ways, we cherish it a bit more).
- love survives disagreements and different perspectives.
- honesty is truly the best policy; I don't have to hold back, I can say what I feel and show who I really am.
- that a hug or simple touch can smooth over even the worst day.
- I can trust someone - he has my back and I have his.
- being partners sometimes means helping the other person face the uncomfortable in the name of growth.
- dreams are better when shared.
- there is so much more to life than work; we have more to accomplish in this life together than earning kudos from the boss.
- there is nobody else I would rather wake up to each day.
- I am beautiful, even in the morning when I have matted hair and raccoon eyes. :)
- I can let someone take care of me; it feels good.
- respect is the most important ingredient in any relationship.
- guy humor is actually funny sometimes.
- ok, bacon is good. (So much for my vegetarian leanings.)

There's so much more. I just wanted to mark this day.

Love is the thing...

Little thing meditation

It has been a rough couple of weeks, and I am in the midst of a mild depression. I know I will snap out of it, but I'm not quite there yet.

In the meantime, reminding myself of the little things for which I am grateful or just the little things that make me smile, helps.

Here are my little things from the past several days:

-- I had a blissful massage and chocolate body wrap on Friday (a gift from C.). During the body wrap, the girl left me alone for about 30 minutes. My mind literally went blank. It was amazing.

-- I took my dog to her favorite dog park yesterday. It is now a 45-minute drive, but so worth it. We have space to actually hike together and she gets to stop and play with the occasional dog. They installed agility equipment since we were last there, and I had fun running her through the course.

-- After that, I took her to my folks' house -- where I talked to my parents and my dog played for hours with their dog.

-- I had a four-day weekend. I didn't think about work once.

-- I had lunch with my sisters on Friday. I am so thrilled we all live in the same state again and can do that now.

-- C. and I went to the local brewery for dinner Friday night. I enjoyed the brown ale I tried and the time with C.

-- Yesterday was a beautiful, warm day.

-- I started my drawing class last week. Tonight is my second class. It feels good to do something new - and something that is just for me.

-- I get the house to myself tonight, because C. is traveling. I always miss him when he goes, but I also enjoy some solitude.

-- I had a delicious Maine lobster roll on Saturday night when we went out with friends. Yum!

-- The office is relatively quiet today and I am letting work stuff roll off my back.

---

Any good little things in your life this week??

Community

I have always longed for a sense of true community. Now that we have moved and life has changed so much, I don't really feel like part of a community at all.

I don't know my neighbors, and I wouldn't have a clue who to call nearby in an emergency.

I am working on new ways to build community that is physically close by. I signed up for a class at an arts organization just down the street. It began last night and there are three other ladies and me. We shall see - it might lead to some new friendships, or even just a closer connection to the organization itself.

C. and I are looking into a new gym. Maybe we can meet a few friends there.

On the flip side, I do have a very strong community of family and friends. Although they don't live close by, they feel close. It makes such a huge difference to know I am connected to them.

I have also found several online communities that have made me feel so welcome. Most recently, I found an online group for other stepmoms. Yay! I really need a group of people who understand the stress and frustrations particular to being a stepmom.

It is a lifelong goal of mine to continue to find and create community. I'm working on it.

If anyone has tried something that has worked, let me know. I'd love some new ideas!

What 2009 taught me

Happy New Year, everyone. Ringing in a new year always excites me and always makes me reflect on the past one.


I had an excellent 2009 -- the economy, the politicians, the media and world chaos be damned. It began with a proposal of marriage from C. at 12:01 on January 1, 2009. It ended with a new year's kiss from my husband (yes, C. -- I did say yes) at 12:00 January 1, 2010.


The year 2009 taught me:


~ Surprises are just as exciting as an adult as they were in childhood. C.'s proposal was the best surprise I have ever received and he is the best gift I have ever been given.

~ There are so many more important things to worry about, so stop stressing about the small things. When I look back to my 2009 freak-outs about save-the-date cards, bridesmaid dresses and refinishing my kitchen cabinets, I just have to shake my head in shame. The year brought many more important events and challenges that were worth my time.

~ Small things matter. Don't stress about them, but enjoy them. Every single day is full of simple, small gifts just waiting to be enjoyed. All it takes is a little patience and attention to notice and savor them.

~ Love is reborn every single day. Don't stop telling your spouse how much you love him/her after the vows have been said. Daily reminders in actions and in words can truly make the difference between a happy marriage and an unhappy one.

~ Time is the best gift. Don't squander it. Use it well. Share it with the people you love first and then carefully choose how to spend the rest.

~ Children are loud. :) They are also full of unfiltered joy, wonder, curiosity, energy and simple wisdom. We have much to learn from them.

~ You can choose who is important in your life. The naysayers, the back-stabbers and everyone who wishes you ill need not occupy your thoughts for a half second. Choose to give your energy to the people who deserve it.

~ Getting older is liberating. On New Year's Eve this year, I was dressed in warm trousers, boots and a long, heavy coat. The 22-year-olds were dressed in barely-there plunging minis and not even a sweater -- let alone a coat. I was thrilled to be the older, warmer one. ;) I wouldn't go back for a minute.

~ Learning new things keeps your heart young. I received my SCUBA certification a couple of weeks before our wedding and went on my first official dive on our honeymoon in Hawaii. I can't even explain the feeling of swimming right by a shark and watching giant green sea turtles sleeping underwater. SCUBA was waaayyyy outside my comfort zone, and I am so glad I stuck it out.

~ You are stronger than you think. You are, trust me.

~ Accept that you don't know everything -- and that you don't have to. Nobody has a secret playbook for life. Enjoy the figuring it out as you go along, accept the mistakes, learn the lessons and keep placing one foot in front of the other.

~ Your heart has room for everyone. Love is not a finite resource. Let yourself connect to new friends and new people. Life grows in proportion to the growth of love in all its forms.


Here's hoping that 2010 brings many good lessons and many gifts for us all. Enjoy it!

Holidays: First year quiet moments

For the past several years, I have tried not to get too sucked into holiday "busy-ness." I keep my shopping to a minimum, say no to about half the party invitations I receive, don't pressure myself to cook elaborate meals...

This year, I have felt an extra strong need to simplify and just enjoy quiet moments in life. Those quiet moments are especially important with C. It is our first Christmas together as a married couple and that is incredibly important to me.

Everyone says that Christmas is for the children. Honestly, I disagree.

Sure, children get excited for Christmas lights, Santa and presents. It is sweet and nice to watch, but this time of year can also be nice for the grown-ups among us. Who says we can't enjoy this time of year after we have passed a certain young age?

As an adult, this season is about moving out of darkness and into light. (The Winter Solstice is today and the days will begin to get longer again - I love that.)

It is about celebrating the beauty and blessings in our lives. This year, I am celebrating my new marriage, my love for C. and the opportunities for growth this past year has brought me -- in addition to the constant blessings of my wonderful family and dear friends.

After Christmas is done, the year winds down and it is a time to welcome new beginnings. This past year has brought so much love into my life and so much change - some challenging and some exciting - and I can't wait for what the next year will bring.

I have been racking my brain trying to come up with new traditions that C. and I can share as a couple, but haven't come up with much.

However, we have shared a few very sweet moments that will help make this first holiday season together a wonderful memory. We decorated our self-cut Christmas tree alone together after Jonah* was asleep one night. It was almost meditative - the two of us quietly selecting and placing ornaments together during a quiet evening.

This past Saturday, we attended a Winter Solstice celebration downtown. It was a nice change of pace from the typical holiday events - eclectic world music and a relatively small group of people sharing the joy of the season. C. and I settled into a back corner of the room, which was illuminated by red and white Christmas lights. We drank dark beer and mead (honey wine, yum), held hands, snuggled,  enjoyed the excellent people-watching and listened to the music. It was a quiet moment for us to connect and just BE as individuals and as a couple.

I have tears in my eyes thinking about it. It was a simple and powerful moment that I will treasure.

So, I wish everyone a God Jul (good yule in Swedish), a Merry Christmas and a new year full of light, peace and new beginnings.




* name changed

Moms, dads ... and stepmoms

I have been doing a lot of reading on blended families, how to be a good stepmom, how to have a successful marriage in a blended family, etc. As with anything new in my life, I always turn to books and research for comfort and hope, as well as direction and tips.

I have been reading a few online message boards and blogs on the topic, as well. Something I read on a stepmom blog yesterday has really stuck in my craw...

(The blogger is also a nationally recognized author on the topic.)

She wrote something like, paraphrasing here, "the two women in a child's life (mom and stepmom) often become the two most nurturing forces." Adding, again paraphrasing, "women have a natural ability to nurture and often end up competing for top spot in a child's life."

Deep breath.

I have a few major problems with that assertion:

First, I am not competing for the mom-spot in my stepkids' lives. They have a mom whom they love and see on a regular basis. She is far from perfect, but she is -- and always will be -- mom. I really resent the idea that I would presume to fill her role, or that I would be "naturally" drawn to do so because I am the more nurturing sex.

Second, who says dads can't be nurturers? I think it is so insulting to dads to assume that they are the hands-off parents and leave the nurturing to the women in their lives. It shortchanges their ability (and desire) to be emotional and have deeply connected relationships in their lives.

(I have heard that PromiseKeepers actually tells men to be hands-off during children's younger years and that their job "kicks in" when the kids turn 13 and need help growing into adults. That idea is insulting both ways -- it implies that dads can't possibly nurture young children and moms can't possibly help teens become healthy adults. Grr.)

Back to dads as nurturers. C. is amazing with his kids. He handles bedtime and bath time. He does their laundry. He kisses their booboos and offers bear hugs during the scary parts in movies. He snuggles with them on the couch to watch TV. He colors with his daughter and plays cars with his son. He lets them wear their Halloween costumes when they want and encourages their healthy imaginations. He is constantly on the lookout for new books on parenting and taking care of a special needs child. This list could go on and on and on. He is an amazing dad. I would even argue that he is the most nurturing parent in their lives (but I am not a fly on the wall in mom's house - so don't know that for sure).

He didn't need me to swoop in and take care of the kids' emotional or physical needs. He knows how to do it and does it well.

(I would argue that he needs my emotional support and care as a wife much more than he needs my skills with children.)

As stepmom, and as the second adult in the house, I do support him and back him up. I do offer emotional support and physical care to the kids, but my role as a "parent-figure" comes after C. and the kids' mom. (Their stepdad is also a supporter and cheerleader in their lives.)

My role as stepmom is something unique. I don't see myself as a parent, but I do see myself as a responsible adult in their lives. I can offer extra support and care -- but that will never be a true substitute for what mom and dad can provide.

More on this later. Ruminating for now...

Winter fun

C. and I took a weekend trip to Grand Lake, Colo. for his birthday -- just the two of us. It was so relaxing and wonderful. We had a view of the mountains from our room, which was complete with a cozy fireplace and log furniture. Saturday was a very lazy day of napping, lounging and just walking around the little town.

I surprised C. with a massage appointment at the lodge, which he loved. He needed the relaxation time for sure, and it feels so good to give just the right present. :)

After the sun went down, we went outside for a dip in the hot tub. There is nothing like looking at the stars from a mountain lodge while soaking in a hot tub. The trip back inside in the 5-degree temps wasn't as fun, but it was such a Colorado moment.

That night, we went to the Community House in town and enjoyed a concert by a men's a cappella group. They were adorable -- senior men in their Christmas sweaters. They were pretty good, as well. It was such a small town Christmas experience.

After the show, we enjoyed an amazing dinner across the street at the local tavern. C. had duck stroganoff and I had lingonberry-sauced salmon (my Swedish side loves anything lingonberry) with a side of honey-roasted sweet potatoes. Yummy.

Most of the men's choir made its way to the same tavern and graced us with another impromptu concert there (ahh, memories of my high-school choir singing anywhere, any time).

Sunday, we had a leisurely breakfast at one of the local cafes and then went hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park. There's a pretty trail just outside town that winds its way past several waterfalls and lakes. We hiked about three or four miles along the river, but didn't quite make it to the first lake before it started to snow. It was only about 10 degrees, so we decided to head back before we got trapped in the storm.

I was really hoping to see a moose on our hike, but no dice. Still, hiking in the cold with nobody else around was invigorating. Colorado is a stunningly beautiful place and I am so thankful for the opportunity to enjoy the natural assets of my home state whenever I can.

Back to reality today, but I am so glad for the weekend diversion that refreshed both of our spirits so much.