Firsts

Nothing really compares to experiencing something for the first time. There's a feeling of stepping outside yourself, of growing, of starting new adventures.

We often think of firsts in terms of childhood: First smile, first solid food, first steps, first day of school...

Or even adolescence and early adulthood: First kiss, first love, first day of college, first roommate...

Whenever I experience a first as an adult, I am always pleasantly reminded that "new" is not reserved for the young. Life can be new every day when we step outside our comfort zones to learn something new, try something new, see something new.

For me, this week, I went fishing for the first time. I grew up in a state known for its outdoor beauty and where fishing is old hat for many people, but I had never dropped a line in the water. Not once. Not even in a stocked pond as a little kid.

So, at 35, I donned a pair of waders (what fun to wade through the water and not get a bit wet or cold!) in full Gorton Fisherman glory. C. and I hired a (very patient) guide to take us fly fishing, and we had a wonderful time enjoying the scenery, the breezes and the challenge of casting and presenting the fly in just the right way to attract the picky trout. I actually reeled in two fish and snagged another that got away.

I held one of the slimy, writhing fish in my hands for the first time before releasing it back into the water. I felt about 12 years old - and what a good feeling that was.

'It's pouring rain, and he's still singing'

Our house: 5 a.m.


Cheep...  cheep ... cheep ... CHEEP.


Cheep... cheep ... cheep ... CHEEP.


For the past several days, a persistent bird has started his (mating?) song well before the sun comes up -- and well before C. or I would like to be awake. Today, it is dumping rain, but he was still out there cheeping. I imagine a little, puffed up bird trying to hide under whatever leafless branch he can find at this time of year...

Well, C. jokingly threatened to shoot it with a BB gun. (I love birds, there's no way I would let him.)

I just said, "It's pouring rain, and he's still singing."


C.'s Facebook status this morning told me that he got it. A quote: "Some birds sing when the sun shines bright. My praise is not for them but the one who sings in the dead of night. I raise my cup to him. Some flowers bloom when the green grass grows. My praise is not for them but the one who blooms in the bitter snow. I raise my cup to him." - Anais Mitchell


Indeed. Here's to all the birds singing in the rain.

Spring!

I LOVE spring. Love it.

I get childishly excited when I see a tulip about to bloom and notice new buds on the trees. For every new flower that comes up in our yard, I run inside to tell C. "Guess what? We have grape hyacinth!" (We have lived in our current house for less than a year, and the previous owner planted a variety of bulbs. Every new flower is like a little surprise gift she left just for me.)

I return from walks with my dog to report on the latest builds of the muskrats in the canal (muskrats! I had never seen them before); the current mating phase of the mallards (they have all paired off and found their own nesting sites -- no more hanging out as a flock for awhile); the butterfly cocoons that are about to hatch; the neighborhood cats on the hunt; and the beautiful animals I have seen. (This week, a great blue heron and a pelican. Beautiful!)

C. patiently puts up with my giddy reports and responds with a disinterested "uh-huh."

I don't care. (Where's my sticking-my-tongue-out icon?) This trait is something that has not left me since childhood. I love nature. I love animals. I love watching for little changes and reporting on animal sociology.

I rarely invite anyone else on these walks because I know they wouldn't appreciate them. I would also miss out on the details of my surroundings because I would be talking to my husband or a stepkid (or listening to one of the kids' monologues, more likely). These walks are a gift I give myself several times a week - and I hope to continue the practice for many years to come.

Building thanks

I am starting week two of a 30-day challenge to say only positive things to and about my husband.


The challenge encourages vocalizing thanks and praise for all the good things your spouse does - large and small - every day.


I have always believed in focusing on the bright side. When life is particularly challenging, the bright side for me is often found in the smallest pleasures of everyday life. However, it is still far too easy to fall into the trap of negative thinking.


Making a conscious effort to be grateful and vocalize thanks to your spouse every single day forces you to seek out the positive. Some days, it's a bit of a stretch; but I have found something positive to say every day to C. or to my friends and family about C. The result is an overall increased feeling of goodwill, love and affection for my husband.


I believe this practice can be applied to every aspect of life, and I plan to challenge myself to do just that. Work. Stepmotherhood. Commuting. Even the kids' mom (yikes, that will be a challenge; but it will be worth it if it will help me let go of some anger related to her).


Here's a little jazz positivity break to get you in the mood:

Read

The Sunny Side Of The Street Lyrics

here.

Stepmom little thing meditation

I have to start this post by saying how wonderful I think Sandra Bullock is. She is a stepmom to three children (who have two separate moms). One of those moms is an ex-porn star who was recently jailed for tax evasion. Nice.

It was a nice "little thing" for me to see Sandra Bullock win her Oscar this week and to silently celebrate that we stepmoms have a role model and advocate in the celebrity world. Maybe she can help throw some chinks into the armor of the wicked stepmother myth. (Although a quick Google search that pulled up articles about "Stepkids think Bullock is a monster" proves the media-razzi sure aren't helping the fight.)

The life of a stepmom is rarely simple. It can be thankless and full of pressure. Pressure to do right by children in spite of their mother's best efforts to turn them against you (and often your husband); pressure to be sweet and perfect in order to dispel the wicked stepmother myth. You can give and give, only to receive scraps in return.

In my own life as a stepmom, those everyday "little things" often save me. They are what keep me going.

The stepmom little things that come to mind:


~ A handmade card I received from my stepdaughter that said, "I Love You"
~ My stepson saying at piano practice Monday night, "I'm glad A.J. is here"
~ Both kids yelling "A.J.!" when I come downstairs in the morning; they are actually glad to see me
~ Knowing in my heart that I am serving as a different kind of role model for them; teaching them self-sufficiency and responsibility
~ Knowing that I will always treat the kids with respect and authenticity and will never play with their emotions (as some others in their life do), and that they will appreciate that someday
~ Giving my stepson a time-out last night while C. was at the store -- and it worked, and he apologized for his behavior. It was a victory moment for me - turns out, I am an authoritative parent. (I took a quiz.)
~ Watching my stepdaughter ride her bike alone for the first time -- sharing a 'first' in her life.
~ Watching the kids thrive with the new goal-setting system C. and I implemented at our house.
~ Hearing my stepdaughter read her first book (with just a little help from me) last week. (The edge-of-your seat story of The Red Hen.)
~ Getting a good report from my stepson's new school that he is behaving well and doing well! (Curses to the old school for giving up on him or any child as a lost cause.)

There are a lot more, and I hope I will always stop to remember those moments and small victories.

There are a lot of challenging moments as a stepmom. I have already been through moments of great despair as a stepmom. It is way harder than anyone tells you it will be (and I think most biological parents would agree with that statement, as well). Yet, this past year has been the biggest year of growth in my life. Those two little ones are, in part, responsible for that -- and I thank them for that.

Snow dog

I was home sick yesterday (and the day before), but I started to feel better in the late afternoon. So, I decided to take my dog for a walk. It had started to snow, but wasn't coming down that hard yet -- so I decided to take a chance at walking the long path around the lake in the adjacent neighborhood. By the time we circled half the lake, the snow was really coming down and blowing sideways. My little brown dog was all white and my jeans were soaked through. I felt bad that I had taken her out in that, but really, we both enjoyed it. It was a stunningly beautiful scene and nobody was out...

Save for a little boy (about 8, I would guess) who had stopped at the stream on his way home from school. He was building some elaborate structure using the ice he had broken off the banks of the stream. He said hello, and went on about his serious business -- completely unfazed by the storm. Watching him made me smile. I remember being that intent as a child -- fully engaged in the moment despite the weather or anything else.

I try so hard in my daily life to have those Zen moments -- those moments of truly being in the here and now. The trouble is, adults have to try. Kids just do.

Once in awhile, like yesterday's walk with my pup, I have a brief interlude of being fully present -- and it feels amazing. If I can find a way to culitvate that, I truly believe I would be more at peace and more content.

Creativity (part 2)

Society quashes creativity early.

My drawing instructor made a comment that children don't have to use their imaginations anymore -- everything is already done for them in video games and movies. That made me sad -- because we always think of childhood as this immensely creative and imaginative time. It was for me -- I was always putting on "plays" in the backyard, dressing up like a pioneer girl, writing poetry and making up stories for my dolls.

I really hope children haven't lost that ability entirely.

When he made that comment, it reminded me of sitting at the table with my stepkids a couple of weeks ago. C. had bought them these amazing "doodle books." They are not your average coloring books. Each page has a small drawing or two in the corner and a question that "starts" a story: What is the dog laughing at? Why is the dinosaur scared? Most of each page is a big, empty space where the kid can draw something from his or her own imagination.

Annie*, who is five, turned to a page that featured a stage outline. It was her job to create her own characters and play on the stage. She promptly drew a boy and a girl and said, "This is the prince and princess."

SIGH.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I hate the princess myth. (I also hate pink and buying shoes -- I missed a female gene somewhere.)

I hate the myth because: a) How many princesses have you ever met in real life? b) Gee, great aspiration; grow up to be pretty and sweet and wait for a man to rescue you.

(Did I mention that Annie's mom sent her to Princess Camp last summer? Gah!)

It occurs to me now, though, that I hate it for an even bigger reason. These pervasive stories that we tell our children (princesses for girls and superheroes for boys) are sending a message that these characters are the prototypes on which to base your dreams. The stories are all the same: Pretty girl gets the guy; Strong good guy beats the bad guys. There's little deviation from the original and our children start to regurgitate these stories, rather than creating their own.

C., bless him, drew a cactus on Annie's stage and said, "You know, you don't just have to repeat a story you saw in a movie. You can make your own story; maybe it's a prince, a princess and a cactus."

I said, "Ooh, and if there's a cactus, maybe they are not even a prince and princess. Maybe they are a cowboy and cowgirl."

She's a smart girl -- you could see her wheels turning after that. I hope that we can help teach both kids that they are allowed to have their own dreams, tell their own stories, create what they want to create because it comes from inside them and expresses who they are. 

Also, I hope to convey that being an average human being is much cooler than being some storybook princess or comic book hero. Average, everyday people are doing amazing things. Life is cool. Let's teach children to see that and enjoy that early.  

* Names have been changed.

Art and Creativity

I am four weeks into a drawing class. (I haven't taken a true drawing or painting class since 8th grade. I thought it would be a good way to recharge my brain.)

Each week, we have homework. We are learning to tell a story with our drawings, vary perspective and be more keen observers of the world and its details. I did last week's homework on my lunch break the other day, while sitting in Starbuck's; and I felt something I haven't felt in a long, long time -- my creative streak "surged," for lack of a better word.

It felt wonderful! I reconnected with a part of myself that I thought was long gone. I have the ability to see the world in a unique way and express it creatively.

I am not a great artist, by any means; but it gives me something to aspire to. I can practice -- and that "practice" time can also serve as time to get to know myself again.

Only two of us showed up to class this week, and we were discussing this idea of creativity and making space and time in our lives for art and our passions.

The other lady was lamenting the fact that she feels guilty taking time away from her kids to work on her art. The teacher and I both agreed that she needs to take that time -- not only does it enrich her own life because she's doing something with passion, but it will ultimately enrich her children's lives. They will benefit from seeing mom excited about something, and they will learn that it is important for all people, even parents, to take time for themselves. At the same time, they will learn to entertain themselves for a bit, while mom is working on her art -- also an incredibly valuable life skill for all humans.

My heart really went out to her (as it does to all moms I know). She gave up her job to stay home with her kids, and she says she feels like she lost herself. Now, she needs to give herself permission to find herself again -- and not feel guilty about it in the least.

Little thing meditation

It has been a rough couple of weeks, and I am in the midst of a mild depression. I know I will snap out of it, but I'm not quite there yet.

In the meantime, reminding myself of the little things for which I am grateful or just the little things that make me smile, helps.

Here are my little things from the past several days:

-- I had a blissful massage and chocolate body wrap on Friday (a gift from C.). During the body wrap, the girl left me alone for about 30 minutes. My mind literally went blank. It was amazing.

-- I took my dog to her favorite dog park yesterday. It is now a 45-minute drive, but so worth it. We have space to actually hike together and she gets to stop and play with the occasional dog. They installed agility equipment since we were last there, and I had fun running her through the course.

-- After that, I took her to my folks' house -- where I talked to my parents and my dog played for hours with their dog.

-- I had a four-day weekend. I didn't think about work once.

-- I had lunch with my sisters on Friday. I am so thrilled we all live in the same state again and can do that now.

-- C. and I went to the local brewery for dinner Friday night. I enjoyed the brown ale I tried and the time with C.

-- Yesterday was a beautiful, warm day.

-- I started my drawing class last week. Tonight is my second class. It feels good to do something new - and something that is just for me.

-- I get the house to myself tonight, because C. is traveling. I always miss him when he goes, but I also enjoy some solitude.

-- I had a delicious Maine lobster roll on Saturday night when we went out with friends. Yum!

-- The office is relatively quiet today and I am letting work stuff roll off my back.

---

Any good little things in your life this week??